A Letter To Gudipati Chalam

My Dearest Chalam,

How long has it been since I wrote to you? Many months? Years? How does it matter? Time has no sense nor meaning when it comes to us, does it? And apologies don't belong in the space between us. You and I, we are made of the same material, so I dare say you would understand. You and I, we belong to the dreamland, don't we? If I did not say it enough times already, here I go again, I think of you every moment.. even when I am not aware of it.

So, this after noon I thought of you once again, sitting here in my little adobe on the river plain. I stare into the shimmering waters and I remember what you said when we were together the last time. "The misty drizzle, a hot cup of coffee, the fragrant jasmine vine and I next to you, admiring you, adoring you.. it must be what heaven is like". I sometimes wonder whether you are for real but there it is, your 'Musings' on that empty chair across the room tells me that you exist, even if we are separated by a universe. I suppose it is not a universe but a thin line that divides the living from the dead. The real question is whether we truly know which side we belong to? Did I veer off the path again? I can tell by the mischievous smile on your face. Stop that!

Another Spring came and went but dreams still continue to bloom and wilt. What is the use? What is the purpose? It is funny though how one can dream of somebody they barely know, yet these dreams feel so familiar and natural. Remember that young couple on the banks of Penna? Children of nature, Oh, how I envy them!! The intimate scene plays over and over in my head. I wish I had the courage of your Rajeshwari.. I have to ask you though, is she your favorite? After all, she comes close to being the Abhisaarika Nayaki in modern literature. She definitely is my kind of a woman and your kind I must say. Damn the world to hell, Mr. Gudipati. It can't even begin to fathom the depths of a feminine soul. Was Dali trying to say something in his 'The Specter of Sex Appeal '?

I often find myself pondering over your days at Arunachalam. What pushed you over the cliff, metaphorically speaking, of course! Has the soul no alternative? When or why does sexuality turn into spirituality? Jaydev celebrates their unity but how does Tagore manage to distinguish them? or am I misreading the latter? One has to wonder whether Meera or Godha found what they were looking for. The ideal one, what preposterous idea! Although, I have to admit, Krishna being the object, makes the whole matter a little less absurd. He is a mysterious and alluring character, yet full of flaws and mischief.

Why is the world full of questions but no appropriate answers? Is the complexity self imposed? I bet you did not find the answer you were looking for, yet why do you look so very peaceful and content in that picture? Your eyes lit with some strange secrets and your smile, that smile, I can't describe it. It has the quality of knowing.. but what is that you know? Were Buchibabu and Maugham right? Is it the journey that matters?

I guess I will have to find my own answers.. Hope everything is fine and dandy for you on the other side. I don't actually care whether you choose to write back or not.

Yours,
Nimitha