Saturday, May 30, 2009

Musings of a runner.


These past ten days I had been in Chennai have been very interesting. I never really spent much time in this city but I suspect I am inclined to liking it this time. Chennai is an old old city, part of it strongly resisting the change while the rest is eagerly embracing it. All in all, a charming city bustling with throngs of people. Strangely, every individual seems to have a strong sense of purpose, they have a determined look on their tanned, strongly southern featured faces, and move with such ease through the web of small alleys and gullies. Every few yeards seem to bring you a by-way, a short cut. The natives know how to blend in them and emerge on one of the major streets and successfully avoid the horrendous jams in peak traffic hours, while you are taking in the details of the ineresting setting. If you ask them, "how did you figure that out?", they don't have an answer but they simply look at you and smile, which seems to say, "you just have to be one of us". I grew up in India in a rural setting: with wide open spaces and a serene sense of existence, then moved to a country and continent so distant that it may very well be a different planet. So this stay in Chennai for me is a lesson about the Indian city life.

And, if you ask me to tell you the story of Chennai, I would choose the one of my early morning observations while running in the park. So here it goes. My brother-in-law and I set out in the morning around six to a near by park for an hour long run. Each morning brings me more excitement but the first day was most definitely a sensory treat. As the hour drew to a close, drenched in sweat from head to toe, I was not ready to go home, even with the hot Indian sun beating against my back.

The park is full of intersting flowering trees, most native to India, some showing off their blooms and others in their full, unabashed glory. I specifically mean the old banyan tree, that is sending beautifully tangled roots down to support its widespread branches. That was probably the first thought that occured to me, how different the growth pattern of these trees is from that of the North American trees... Nature in its ever elusive manner, adapts... ever changing, ever more magical!

Under one of these huge, ancient trees is a statue of Shiva. Lord of destruction, the liberator. Yes, there is a sense of freedom in the act of destruction of existing order, is not there? His skin blue in color, sitting in the lotus position on the tiger skin, crescent moon in his matted hair, the third eye mercifully closed, a smile of content adorns his silent lips, holding the posion that would have consumed the world in his throat, right hand raised, making the gesture of assurance.. with his posessions that amount to nothing but a few bone fragments and heaps of ashes. A symbol of sorts to remind the living of the insignificance of one's existence. When it is time to cross the river of Vaitharini (River Styx of Hades?), all that remains behind is a bowl full of ash and bones. His weapon is the Trident and his instrument is the Dhamaruka. In the beginning there was Chaos and then Shiva danced the dance of creation and the drum created the first form of life.. the word... the first syllables uttered, 'ay', 'un', 'ru', 'luk', 'ae', 'om'.. the drum roared life into existence! Of course, many other sects of Hindu religion tell you the creation story very differently but I like this one. The speakers are playing a slow gutteral chant of the Panchakshari mantra. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gEx3ldOUBs . A few people are already praying to the deity, I can't help but wonder what is it that each individual is asking for..

I start to zigzag through the crowd in order to keep up my pace and happen upon the shacks: they must be the living quarters of the construction workers or squatters, I can't say for sure. Some residents are still asleep on the ground under the huge monkeypod tree completely oblivious to the noises of the city, their beds are made out of rags and old sheets. When kind Morpehus pays you a visit, you obey and follow him into his realm. There is not a question of comfortable mattresses and pillows, nor is there the question of pills. Three young men are sitting with their backs leaning against the mud walls, their heads thrown back, half closed sleepy eyes lost in thought and their naturally curved arms hanging by their sides. I see the woman sitting on the sand pile with her little girl in front of her. She is applying coconut oil and making pleats out of the girl's hair, what a beautiful scene! There is a quizzical look on her face as she gazes in my direction. Perhaps she is trying to understand the need of this insane act of walking in circles.. after all, what is the use, it only uses up your energy.. of course, she herself is in amazing shape. These few minutes she spends with her daughter before she goes back in the Sun for a day long incredibly deamnding work are so precious to her that she fails to understand why we are not all doing the same. Must we not spend time with our family before the day really began? Instead we are here walking off the fat, sweating, heaving and sighing.. Being a farmer's daughter, I think I understand her.

I now turn my attention to the people walking and jogging by my side. Men, women and children of all ages, some wearing traditional garb and some in stylish western clothes. If you ever want to witness a society in transition, you want to go to a park like this one for a morning run. Whatever does she mean? you must be wondering.. here is a striking example: I saw an older getleman walking with a transistor radio tuned to a station that was playing old Tamil songs, and an older woman walking barefoot with her anklets softly tinkling. Meanwhile, the younger generation is listening to their iPods and a couple of girls who I could not help but overhear were discussing 'boy friend problems'. But they all are here, there is an elevated awareness of health and exercise. So, the old generation has not stopped listening and adapting and the newer generation is learning.. Old and new waters flow into each other, together they move toward progress..

The noises.. how do I describe them? I shall probably leave it for you to discover them but describe to you the chatter of the birds; ravens, crows, sparrows, finches, mynahs, and the cuckoos. Crows are amazinly communal, I think.. This particular day, they were either bemoaning a loss or ostracizing a member.. I could not clearly see but there was great agitation in the branches higher up. And there was the song of the cuckoo bird.... I never heard such a beautiful song. It was so very different from the songs they usually sing.. it was not the call to the skies for rain nor was it a song of pursuit.. it was more like a song of stillness, a song of absolute happiness and lament, a song of immense pleasure and pain.. it was slow, deliberate and amazingly mellow. Wonderful, ethereal!

I was lost in the song of the bird of paradise when I thought I heard a mythical animal roar, I jumped out of my skin, quickly checked around to see what it was that was making the noise.. To my utter amazement, it was a group of people practicing Yoga.. It must be the 'Lion's face' pose, they are letting out a deep, guttural sigh.. A little stray dog was asleep next to the pavement, it awoke with a start, failing to understand where this threatening animal would materialize from, started to run for its life. After realizing it was only the harmless human beings, it slowed down to a jog and weird enough.. the dog actually ran with me for a couple of laps before it looked at me dismissingly and walked away. I wonder how I failed to play my role, how could I have entertained him to keep him a running companion? It was a cute dog with a healthy shiny black coat and a streak of white on his breast. I wish him well.. the life of a stray dog in a city is not very kind.

As I was finishing up my last lap, I see the old woman in one of the shacks with its door ajar, taking out marinated sun dried fish out of a bowl.. She was about to roast them on open char coal fire.. When I was a child, I hated that smell with a passion. I was utterly unhappy when I had to pass by the fishermen's huts in the village.. with fish hung, spread, gutted... there was fish everywhere.. in the sun to dry.. I almost cringed as the memories flashed but surprisingly as the smoke rose from this fire, I found myself taking in deep gulps of air, filled with the aromas of the elements.. the sea, sun, salt, water, wind and fire.. I can't help but ponder the changes within my own self.. Did the distant society teach me something valuable?? Did I grow older and wiser?


I guess in the end, this turned out to be a story about my own self as much as it is about Chennai!

Flowering trees of India






Visiting India this time of the year meant I got to see some gorgeous tropical trees in bloom. It has been a long time since I saw this flower in bloom.. My grandmother's village has this tree growing in Shiva's temple, it must be quite an old tree. My childhood friend and I used to climb the tree and steal the flowers very early in the morning before the priests came in and take them home to float them in water. The shape and fragrance of this flower is out of this world. The shape is supposed to represent the symbol of Shiva, the lingam and the snake entwining/protecting it. The eternal symbol of fertility and potency. Its common name is Cannon ball tree and the scientific name is Coupita guianesis.
Here are a few more of these beautiful trees I get to see almost daily when I go for a run in the park close to my in-laws' place in Chennai.


Tuesday, May 19, 2009

A Letter To Gudipati Chalam

My Dearest Chalam,

How long has it been since I wrote to you? Many months? Years? How does it matter? Time has no sense nor meaning when it comes to us, does it? And apologies don't belong in the space between us. You and I, we are made of the same material, so I dare say you would understand. You and I, we belong to the dreamland, don't we? If I did not say it enough times already, here I go again, I think of you every moment.. even when I am not aware of it.

So, this after noon I thought of you once again, sitting here in my little adobe on the river plain. I stare into the shimmering waters and I remember what you said when we were together the last time. "The misty drizzle, a hot cup of coffee, the fragrant jasmine vine and I next to you, admiring you, adoring you.. it must be what heaven is like". I sometimes wonder whether you are for real but there it is, your 'Musings' on that empty chair across the room tells me that you exist, even if we are separated by a universe. I suppose it is not a universe but a thin line that divides the living from the dead. The real question is whether we truly know which side we belong to? Did I veer off the path again? I can tell by the mischievous smile on your face. Stop that!

Another Spring came and went but dreams still continue to bloom and wilt. What is the use? What is the purpose? It is funny though how one can dream of somebody they barely know, yet these dreams feel so familiar and natural. Remember that young couple on the banks of Penna? Children of nature, Oh, how I envy them!! The intimate scene plays over and over in my head. I wish I had the courage of your Rajeshwari.. I have to ask you though, is she your favorite? After all, she comes close to being the Abhisaarika Nayaki in modern literature. She definitely is my kind of a woman and your kind I must say. Damn the world to hell, Mr. Gudipati. It can't even begin to fathom the depths of a feminine soul. Was Dali trying to say something in his 'The Specter of Sex Appeal '?

I often find myself pondering over your days at Arunachalam. What pushed you over the cliff, metaphorically speaking, of course! Has the soul no alternative? When or why does sexuality turn into spirituality? Jaydev celebrates their unity but how does Tagore manage to distinguish them? or am I misreading the latter? One has to wonder whether Meera or Godha found what they were looking for. The ideal one, what preposterous idea! Although, I have to admit, Krishna being the object, makes the whole matter a little less absurd. He is a mysterious and alluring character, yet full of flaws and mischief.

Why is the world full of questions but no appropriate answers? Is the complexity self imposed? I bet you did not find the answer you were looking for, yet why do you look so very peaceful and content in that picture? Your eyes lit with some strange secrets and your smile, that smile, I can't describe it. It has the quality of knowing.. but what is that you know? Were Buchibabu and Maugham right? Is it the journey that matters?

I guess I will have to find my own answers.. Hope everything is fine and dandy for you on the other side. I don't actually care whether you choose to write back or not.

Yours,
Nimitha

Saturday, May 16, 2009

A Wink Across The Room

No, it was not jealousy, nor was it anger..
It was not an emotion I could easily name
So I will tell you a story, a story of silence
a story of symbols, dreams and meaning.

I once dreamed a room into existence
across the boundaries of time, in the future
twenty, thirty years from now, or more..
Was the dream even mine? I can't recall now.

A room full of strange, familiar, distant faces
lit by faint evening light and a bluish fire
casting shadows who dance about the walls
and mingle into the crowd with friendly smiles
I can see still waters through the window
perhaps it is a lake house, I look at my toes
I see sand particles twinkle like early stars.

I peer into the dreamy faces.. some lost
some alive, some adrift, who am I looking for?
and what is it that I am looking for?
am I missing anything, or nothing at all?
I stare into silence, verses soon to follow.

Some more hours pass.. and I see a man walk in
his eyes search across the room for something
and they find me sitting by the windowsill
he starts to walk over but someone interrupts
he politely nods, listens, tries to get away..
a few moments pass, no sign of liberation
he looks up and finds me looking into his eyes.
He winks and smiles from across the room
and I know what it was that I was looking for..
it was my past, my memories, my stories..

So you see, there are stories entwined in every moment
I am proud of them and I can't apologize for them.
They are mine and I can't help but possess them.