I Know This Feeling

This morning I am with my old friend, the magnificent live oak. She stands over on the edge overlooking the rolling green hills and gorges. Lately, my spirit has been visiting her every night, so I had to see her in person. After all, when nature summons, I simply submit to her will. There are still little patches of snow left on the ground like fading memories of a bygone era. Tiny puffs of steam rise as the shadows of cold weather melt into brilliant sunlight. It is late winter but as I stand mesmerized by the beauty, it feels like a beautiful Spring day except for the little nip in the wind that is nibbling on my ears. The sky is a dazzling blue, a shade that is unique to the California sky. There are huge white clouds hanging low on the horizon. They look incredibly white and fluffy as if they had been cleansed by the recent rains. They make me sad!

There is absolute silence as I stand under the grand, graceful sentinel. A lone Osprey flies overhead, solemnly scanning the grounds for prey. Late morning sun shines on new lichen growing over the leafless branches of oaks. Its beautiful transparent green lends the scene a certain ethereal feel. The intensity of the color green overwhelms me for a second. Why? Should not I be glad? Rebirth, Regrowth and Renewal. The beautiful, perfect circle of seasons starting all over again. This is the time to celebrate and dance by the fire with pagan spirits, is it not? Then why this melancholy? A certain sorrow gets hold of my heart in its tight grip and refuses to let go. Come to think of it, has it always been there? Jung says the longing is natural and we are born with a wandering spirit. Perhaps, some of us are acutely aware of it. I think I know. I too must have arrived at the beginning, completing the circle of my own spiritual journey.

There was a time when I would stand awe-stuck by nature and worship its glorious beauty in a solitary moment. I was fully aware of the loneliness, yet I was utterly happy, lost in a deep soul. A soul that was not mine, but the grand, supreme universal soul. I was blissful to be just a tiny, insignificant fraction of it. Then one day I have separated myself from the source. A moment of poetic frenzy and I was lost. Yet, it was magical, unreal and I would not trade it for anything else in the world. They say when you love, you give away a piece of your heart. Fatalism? Am I to believe? Now I owe the emotions, the open, wounded heart; everything to that moment. Powerful words! They drive daggers. Yet, I am still here, intact. I came to know love and compassion. I am at the very beginning, once again one with the longing. This time I have a bruised heart filled with immense kindness. I look back and I realize there are in fact seven billion souls. What makes my struggle unique? My pain stronger? We are all in it together. A universal struggle for harmony. I love them all; my beautiful, gentle and vulnerable earthlings and I am ready to share their dreams.